*** I put on a dress with cleavage to try to hide it with a scarf I know it will shift while dancing I shift and adjust it constantly I don’t look for another option instead *** with flatmates getting ready for blush halloween party near rotown put on something similar to one of my flatmates a white playsuit on her it looks youthful it looks motherly on me I say she doesn’t reply you look very feminine she says *** he is in love with me follows me everywhere he is too young for me I don’t take him seriously he is persistent I might be persuaded into just sex and leave myself open to secret touches he proceeds I am trying to figure out if he is sincere or just sexualising me should I wait and see or give him a chance well the fact that he is just grabbing me is showing me he doesn’t care about my wants and just doing whatever he pleases *** walking home with my female friends we talk women always have to smile someone says and especially as a black woman I respond what do you mean she asks what do you mean I ask her back and walk away the friendship is over *** she visits me we make out in the hospital bed I kiss her gently so gently it’s barely a kiss at all we both wonder if we will cross the line then she kisses me gently it takes a few seconds before I realise she really did then I kiss her harder and she kisses me harder she opens her mouth and we are making out en we vrijen and someone walks in and we are no longer making out she is standing either beside or in bed with me everything is over she is fired I never speak to her again people send me get well soon presents some with a nasty message or undertone *** if I’m already used to nederland my landlords ask me how long I’ve been living here probably around 18 years I say and for the question am used to it I have no words feel like crying *** he is guiding me and will go to a concert with me almost miss my train he jumps on it and carries my luggage I almost kiss him meen je dit he asks it is a reflex or habit I say anyone who is nice to me I feel I need to pleasure in return *** we have slow soft ephemeral sex her body thick and luscious against mine and mine thick and luscious against hers a lot of foreplay gentleness teasing *** in nigeria I am wearing those butt-caressing red fulani braids every morning an aunty starts the day with orin gospel she shares her edited lyrics on paper today she ends with I’ve got joy like a weave-in joy like a weave-in joy like a weave-in in my soul I’ve got joy like a weave-in joy like a weave-in joy like a weave-in in my soul we laugh we oya jo jo jo I imagine me staying there and going to boarding school would she be my house supervisor het is een afscheid *** at a party with my first girlfriend ever weird convo she always behaved as though her life was worse than mine I tell her she had better sex with someone else she lets me know she is going to sleep with a man I make the bed for them and slam the door shut *** I have to give birth my sister is there I don’t know if I want to do it with fake breasts or my own but I had to decide there and then *** I ask marthe van k3 three questions she grants me the answers I am waiting for an answer while sweeping the floor different men come into the room and help with some furniture one of the questions was would you say death and rebirth are the same process *** running away from a man who says he knows my sister I run away from rapists a lot *** my family member a big homophobe with an unmatched gaydar asks if the girl is in love with me no she is just american *** every time I climax I cry I try to fantasise about a long and loving relationship every time I climax I feel dirty lonely unloved I fall asleep in the foetal position *** her students keep making jokes about her and me in the study group and she admits she is in love with me confused she says but love is always beautiful and encounters can happen anywhere anytime unexpectedly during the break I run away and hide in the bathroom *** the one sitting next to me likes everything about me works in a sex shop tells me about material which heats up the more whippings the more you heat up asks me to come by the store sometime to can try it on sometime *** I rethink our small touches how she finds the pressure points on my back a finger on the left in the middle and on my chest she pushes my posture forward and when she leads my fingers to her collar to look at her blouse I touch there and underneath I show her what I will wear when the sun is out again when I see her again a shirt without a bra on where my nipples press against the inner lines *** I practise expressing that I like someone it’s an honour to be liked by you the person says I don’t know if it’s rejection or an excessive compliment I leave it on read *** on a long walk she tells me about a room she shared with one of the other tutors how the other tutor used to cry every night how she started to do the same this is how she started meditation she tells me about a room we embrace she shows me pictures of her home how important it is to be alone to be within oneself *** ik ben naakt de hele tijd en overal en graag
etc. etc. etc.