Welcome, dear listeners, to Extra Extra Radio, with me, Michael, your host, guide and favourite foreign object in your windpipe. As you’re all aware, Mayor Joanne just signed a decree allowing entry into the City of fifteen new species of beings from the recently discovered exoplanet – Atkinson, Zouch & Bleary, LLP – a highly judicious and wealthy civilisation located in the 16 Cygni star system, under the condition that all new residents purchase large estates in the idyllic, gated section of town known as the Hillies. I’m very proud to be one of the first journalists granted access to these high-net-worth aliens, and eager to meet and learn about their attitudes towards life and love!
Could you point me towards The Salted Bucket? Our host, guide and favourite smooth-talker Michael, is meeting his friend Torbee for a catch-up drink at one of The City’s most reputable establishments. At the bar, they share salacious details of their lives, loves and losses, with Torbee recounting one of the oddest relationships imaginable. Having met a mysterious red-headed woman named Claire one evening, he’s led on an extravagant journey across The City, an erotic adventure full of lithe twists and turns, sordid and expected encounters. To help him tell the tale is his android counterpart, a robot “Plot Plumper” whose purpose is to abridge an engaging narrative. Immersed in the story, Michael begins to let off steam about his job as Extra Extra radio host, totally unaware that he’s accidentally streaming the entire conversation over the airwaves…
Today on the Extra Extra Radio Show, our host and guide Michael is joined by a couple whose entire relationship – from start to finish – took place during a single weekend in their apartment. From first date, through cohabitation, marriage, and divorce, Will and Twyla, you now find yourselves in a place where you can enjoy a strong platonic friendship with each other, while each being with new partners. If I may, I’d like you to talk through each stage of your relationship. Let’s go back, way back, right to the start. When did you two first meet?
“If you don’t mind, let’s jump ahead a little in the relationship to Saturday morning. You are both at Will’s apartment. You’ve by this time built up a thick crust of sexual intimacy and woven a strong belt of trust between you. What feelings were you experiencing at this time?”
“It was a heavenly time in our lives, and I’ll always remember Saturday morning as a period of personal happiness that I’m grateful to have experienced, despite all else.”
The Misty Triumph is The City’s oldest and most beloved hotel. A towering landmark of hospitality built in the Neo-Platonic style, it welcomes visitors from across the known world. As part of a year-long survey, our host Michael has been tasked with asking each and every one of The City’s residents a series of short but very important questions. And for Episode 11 of The Extra Extra Radio Show, we imagined that The Misty Triumph would be a perfect place to find a good cross-section of inhabitants, old and new. The question du jour is: How did you get to this point? Let’s go inside and find some answers.
Here in the labyrinthine corridors, between satin sheets and velvet upholstery, there’s a meeting of premiere dust harvesters. Powdah Jenkins and Trotter Garboare luxury dust suppliers, delivering a fine film of detritus to the floors of The City’s finest establishments. Did you know that The Misty Triumph is famed for its range of sophisticated and potent aphrodisiac cocktails? At the lavish bar, Michael encounters two of its renowned mixologists: Flap Gerontius and Sherry Hatch, pouring an array of delicious drinks, including a beverage named ‘L’oiseau’ that makes its consumer chirrup like a bird. And who’s that? Across the lobby, waiting for the hotel elevator? Why that’s Wirey Transfah the most infamous con artist in The City! Excuse me while I try to catch her…
Excuse me, I wonder if I might have a brief moment of your time? My name is Michael. You may recognise my voice from a certain internationally syndicated radio show… As you might already know, we’ve just elected a new mayor, and as is the law, the incoming administration is required to conduct a survey of The City’s residents based on just one short but very important question. I am sure you must be incredibly busy, so I’ll get straight to it. For episode 10 of The Extra Extra Radio Show, we want to know: What do you want?
Here, sweet listeners, we discover an enlightening topology of desire, finding out exactly what the lustful populous of The City are hankering for. Encounter a suburban couple, who want someone to housetrain their sentient orgasms which are currently humping old pieces of cashew cheese in the compost bin. In the depths of a sex dungeon, Hala and Sporeman want to experience transcendental agony via poly-switch marathons and bags of bacterium. And meet Anj, who wants to re-enchant the world of taste again through sensual french kissing.
For Episode 9, Michael, our host, guide and favourite dirty sea shanty, finds himself cast adrift, many nautical miles away from The City. A motley band of sailors – who just-so-happen to be avid fans of The Extra Extra Radio Show – come to the rescue. Onboard their boat, The Neptune’s Throuple, we become acquainted with the crew’s taste for frothy cappuccinos, camembert crostini, seafaring in the nude and less than conventional fishing methods. Fiasco, the ship’s artist-in-residence, showcases his salty masterpieces, including a framed love stain on a trawlerman’s bedsheet. And, in the depths below, amorous humpback whales exchange in lovesong; elaborate fantasies involving barnacles, sexed-up phytoplankton and the word “rummage.” Up on deck, a pair of foul-mouthed seagulls deliver hilarious quips about human reproductive organs. Surrounded by this oceanic entourage, Michael wonders, what kind of welcome awaits him back home?
Welcome, friends, to Extra Extra Radio, with me, Michael, your host, guide, and favourite hallucination. Today, we have …. we have an apology to make. Such has our passionate commitment been to documenting our concupiscent conurbation, that we have overlooked our advertising clients. Due to a programming mishap over the past seven episodes, we have forgotten to run any of the commercials that were booked for our show. Extra Extra Radio’s Department of Legal Affairs has informed us that we are contractually bound to run all these advertisements before the season ends. So, with this advice in mind, we will be dedicating this episode to catching up on our sales contracts and broadcasting all our advertisements in one go.
Commercials that pour coffee over you in bed. Commercials that slap you around the face when you’re not looking. Commercials that sell you an AI-fuelled, consolidated romantic partnership with your favourite brand of hot sauce. What an absolute smorgasbord of sumptuous deals and products we have lined up. So, let’s stop kicking this empty can of spaghetti down the road and get on with the show!
On the Extra Extra Radio Show we’ve been on a quest to discover what draws people to live in our City, a place shaped by the twin, turbo engines of love and lust. We have learned that love is not a terrified mammal running for dear life, but an intelligent slime mould. Sometimes you just need to stand still and listen as it crawls up your leg.
Our guests happen to be newly single, so drop us a line if one of their voices stirs something within you…
For episode 7, we’ve invited three members of the public to come and tell us about their most memorable romantic encounters in The City. Darrenen, a writer, 7 foot 11, delivers a tell-all account of how he found his alien spouse via a pheromone-based dating app. Renowned leading self-mythologised radical, Cleo hardly needs an introduction. Her politics reverberate through the lakes of ejaculate congealing in the foundations of The City. Have you ever composed an aerobic opera to impress a mysterious woman you once glimpsed while in line at the cinema? Vanessa was born with a debilitating glint of mischief in her eyes. Her tale is one of triumph over perversity.
We thank Darrenen, Vanessa and Cleo. Now, cherished listeners, the lines are open to leave a message for one of our guests, who are all waiting to see if you might be their next most memorable date.
Welcome, friends, to Extra Extra Radio, with me, Michael, your host, guide, and favourite negative medical test result. This season, we’re exploring different aspects of life in The City and meeting some of the people who make it one of the world’s most unique urban environments.
I’m speaking to you from the city’s major health care institution, The Central Hospital Centre for Hospitalization. Here, a top-notch team of remarkably good looking medical professionals keep patients happy, healthy and topped up with their full 10 pints of blood, or cocktail of choice. Roaming the wards via a fleet of miniature microphone drones, this episode gives you an intimate view of everyday miracles, tragedies and medical mysteries.
Meet the flirtatious Doctor Sponge and Nurse Trebuchet. Griffin is getting a personality bypass, administered by Italian doctors from Milwaukee and Reykjavik. And we’re just in time for the 64th Annual Hospital Festival, with commentators Pete Peterspete, alongside the enchanting Jacques Amygdala and Angie Clavicle.
Today, we take a bird’s eye view of our beloved City. What an incredible view! Wow. Just… Wow. For the benefit of listeners at home, Michael, our host, guide, and favourite anxiety-reducing weighted blanket, is sitting next to Mayor Joanne at a beautiful hand-carved wooden cocktail bar in front of a floor-to-ceiling panoramic window overlooking the city. It’s an inspiring perspective for our inspired civic leader. “Joanne, your perch up here is the envy of city leaders everywhere. But you must be so busy with politics that you rarely get a chance to just sit, relax and drink in the view…”
A little known fact: Billy Joel, aka The Piano Man, designed the city. Beautiful, no? His songs are the deepest expressions of a planning visionary. Take ‘Uptown Girl.’ It’s about the devastating impact that an inadequate cross-town public transportation system has on the lives of young people. Or ‘Miami 2017.’ The line in the song that goes “they turned our power down and drove us underground” sparked a serious debate about the advantages of underground electrical cabling, and the part about how “the boats were waiting at the battery” is clearly Joel’s sketch for an eco-friendly electrical ferryboat system to help alleviate commuter traffic during rush hour.
In episode 4 of the Extra Extra Radio Show, we will be dressing head-to-toe in black, packing our cheap museum tote bags with pointe shoes, paintbrushes, novels, crippling debt and white wine, and visiting the overpriced loft studio of our dreams. This episode is, of course, exploring The Arts. Painting, design, theatre, music, literature and cinema: all these city life treats might be incomparable to great blue whales or luscious redwood trees, but dammit we’ll take it!
Meet some of the most seductive people that make the city into a unique, urban environment. They adore their city. They govern it with desire. Sway along with the dulcet tones of a surreal, sonic landscape.
The Extra Extra Radio Show is a radio series broadcast from an undefined city, a place you can see from the corner of your eye, just one click away from reality. A city that harvests and lives off of pheromones, lust, pent-up needs and the desires lingering in its inhabitants.
Welcome friends, to the Extra Extra Radio Show, episode 3, with Michael as your host, guide, and reliable adult-in-the-room. Exploring different aspects of life in The City and meeting some of the people who make it one of the world’s most unique urban environments.
Meet the two park keepers, Tracy and Sandy, travelling in their official maintenance truck as they make their daily rounds of the park. We also encounter the Park’s latest Director of ***, Formidabla, and the newly appointed Director of Language, Paraprosdokian. Atmospheric musicscapes with titles such as ‘Tiny Human Figurines Made From Sand. If You Held These To Your Ear, You Heard Soft Sweet Music’ and ‘Taurus – The Voluptuary’ pull you into this park of the flesh.
In the second episode of this season, our host speaks to the defining voices of the city’s nightlife, whilst the music alternates between thumping beats and mesmerising soundscapes from brand-new genres. All is centred around Hive, a 160-floor club with its own masseuse community, Italianate basilica and arable farmland.
Lampooning a traditional radio show, a late night DJ arouses his listeners in an undefined city – think talk radio, jingles and enticing commercials, interweaved with ambient soundscapes. The show, written by Dan Fox and Michael Portnoy, is in close collaboration with Loes Verstappen, who selected the music for this show. Tune in and listen to the stories of phone-in callers sharing their specialist fetishes, studio guests recounting unexpected experiences of the city, yoga exercises, a weather forecast and pillow talk, no touching permitted.