My friends and I hit Nolita, an area of Lower Manhattan, one summer night; it was New York Fashion Week, and we headed to a magazine party for which we responded to the RSVP link a few days prior. Once reaching the door, we were told there were two events going on that night. ‘Floor three or five?’ we were asked. After seeing that the party on floor three had died out long ago, leaving only half-full bottles of cheap wine and a littered fire escape, we thought we’d sneak to five. In the elevator we were greeted by people in stuffy suits and ties, not knowing what to expect; it wasn’t typical fashion week attire. As the elevator chimed open, we walked into a two-floor penthouse and automatically were stopped. ‘To begin, let me read you the rules. No means no.’ We exchanged looks. What had we got ourselves into?
Inside, it seemed that Manhattan’s elite had stripped down, with rulers on the table, beds in one corner, cages in the other. In our all-black, faux-high fashion looks, we somewhat blended in with the kink-wear, my belt around my neck and knee-high black boots. In a non-professional setting, this was one of my first experiences seeing others’ fetishes played out up close.
The fascination with BDSM has permeated mass culture for decades, but not many have an understanding of what the exchanges truly involve, the roots behind the desire. Eva Oh is a dominatrix, bringing these practices out of the dungeon and into the light. Using her social media following and the widespread intrigue surrounding her work, the business-savvy dom candidly shares her experiences, propelling the destigmatisation of the industry and inciting new discourses.
When talking to Eva, she acknowledges how her position in the industry has shifted beyond moving emotional states within her submissives. Her transpar-ency has brought about opportunities from her podcast, #teakink, to projects involving the further digitalisation of dom–sub interactions. Facing life as it transfigures, the dominatrix delves into the way she interacts with cityscapes, continuing to evolve as her following grows.
Julia Silverberg: Dominatrix. When hearing this word, minds begin to swim with perceptions about fetishists, longing and restraint. Since taking on the role in 2011, you have utilised the insight you have gained to communicate an authentic narrative, addressing these notions. Although the technicalities of the position are often highlighted, to begin could you explain a bit about what desire is to you?
Eva Oh: In a sexual sense, it’s that rush which only occurs when first meeting somebody I’m attracted to in multiple ways. There is no desire for people in my sessions, but I do desire their reaction, a certain perception of myself more than them or anything else. That’s how I’m constructed. As a dominatrix, the role involves providing a service, usually to do with fetish or power dynamics. When first starting, it was challenging to grasp what the entire breadth and depth of the job entailed. Meeting submissives for a fixed amount of time, a dominatrix carries out a fantasy, essentially – a negotiated fantasy that can be played out in a dungeon or a hotel room. It depends on the parameters that everyone involved decides, but to me this is not desire. In day-to-day life I don’t know that I wrestle with longing very much either. Desire for some consistency and peace is obvious, but, other than that, I don’t generally experience such cravings in my daily life.
Julia: This longing to connect with others in some capacity appears to be a requisite. Currently, you also have 88.2k followers on Instagram, as well as your own YouTube channel and podcast, where you go into depth about common questions one may have about your profession.
Eva: In the initial five years as a dominatrix I refrained from using my face in advertising campaigns. The decision to disclose my identity was rooted in the recognition that extensive face-to-face work was wearing me down. It became clear that an online approach necessitated a tangible likeness for subs to connect with; introducing my image into promotional material was a marketing initiative, rather than an effort to gain social media followers. Where I am most prominent is in what I say, and, because of this, opportunities arise to talk to people like you. There’s something about my way of speaking that resonates, piquing the interest of journalists, and the result of these dialogues has been less that my work did well because of them but instead that I reached a group of people who were interested in my work and life. It informed what they could do with their lives. That feedback loop has given me a sense of purpose; however, there’s an inherent vulnerability associated with this exposure, which evokes a sense of discomfort.
Julia: Now you interact with most of your submissives through the internet.
Eva: If we’re just talking numbers, then yes, the majority of the people who believe they’re my submissives and slaves are within the online domain. Digitalisation is the way forward, and it takes the labour intensity away of in-person sessions, relieving the lassitude caused by them. As its popularity rises, the technology will also have the opposite effect, in that it will make face-to-face interactions more valuable. Currently, my offline slaves give me much more than the thousands online. I’m also doing an AI project where the designers will use my voice and images. That’ll be interesting to see, because it’s not people interacting with you anymore but the idea of you, blurring the dichotomy of the palpable and the virtual.
Julia: With a multitude looking to you for guidance, the demarcation between the personal and professional realms must dissipate, making consistency difficult to maintain. Do you feel that the person you are as a dominatrix is an alter ego, or are you always the same Eva Oh, in and out of the dungeon?
Eva: Many people have a hat that they put on, but compartmentalising identities has never worked for me. My outside-dungeon and inside-dungeon selves are very much linked, and they inform each other. As a dominatrix, deliberate modifications come into play, such as a different voice and a heightened awareness of space, but that is the extent of the division between my selves. The issues that I’ve had which are of concern are mostly to do with navigating people’s expectations as opposed to my own. Managing this desire as well as protecting my sanity is essential. With a protracted exchange, such as one between a sub and dom, comes a desire for more from that person; all this has to do with relationships or more traditional forms of intimacy, which I am not interested in.
…what can be achieved through them is a common empathy for our predilections and our wanting to be understood…
Julia: Despite this need for a boundary, the dom–sub relationship seems to be one of mutualism, give and take. What do you feel each side receives from a typical session?
Eva: The outcome of each session is related to the personalities of the individuals involved. There is no clear-cut way of experiencing any one session, even if it’s the same dom – me – it depends on who’s present and the moods on the day. The meeting is comparable to any other human interaction, and is contingent on where people are mentally, but with the pre-negotiation of understanding that there is a power dynamic at play. There are also certain activities that participants request to see carried out. Overall, sessions are relatively mutual; what can be achieved through them is a common empathy for our predilections and our wanting to be understood. It’s this shared compassion that makes the interactions meaningful.
Julia: Are there any routines that help you embody your dominant energy, maintaining the power dynamic?
Eva: These days my practice has become an integrated part of me. Switching in and out of session headspace is relatively seamless, unless it’s an incredibly intense session requiring me to hold other people’s emotions. One of my routines, if it’s a dedicated session in a space, is to play with light, sound and temperature before anybody gets there. When the person arrives, we chat a bit and my speech slows, and tell them to go and have a shower. Shifting the room slightly in terms of light, the dominatrix creates a headspace essentially for the submissive. When building the fantasy, it’s not necessarily about the dom; the atmosphere is altered to get the desired effect out of the subject.
…My dominant side is so much a part of my identity and innate interactions with the world that it feels ambivalent…
Julia: In this manufactured realm, personalities evolve and transform. Mastering the art of control and embracing the complexities of the power dynamic is no easy feat. Were you able to access such headspaces right from the start?
Eva: What happened years ago, in a past romantic relationship, was that my partner recognised me as an assertive communicator; he joked about the fact, and used the word ‘dominatrix.’ My dominant side is so much a part of my identity and innate interactions with the world that it feels ambivalent to describe it as a side of me. My character is quite constant, and that allows those who step into my world to be thoroughly familiarised with its perimeters. People have often remarked on my tendency towards psychological disciplinarianism than as somebody who is more gently nurturing. This happens especially in Western culture. Within Asian culture, my demeanour would not appear that unusual. A lot of my Asian friends tell me that my behaviour is very Western, but when you take me out of an Asian context, everyone’s like, ‘You’re so strict, you’re so blunt, you’re harsh.’ I respond that in my culture I’m average.
Julia: This intrinsic communication style must have aided your navigation of the professional world. In the past you also had corporate jobs, including working with sustainable design companies and the United Nations.
Eva: What was a serious kicker was joining a strategic consulting agency – it was my initial foray into self-employ-ment, not working for a humanitarian group or on a random contract, and I realised how much I hated such an environment, how it was there just to deliver the bottom line. Grasping at the concept of the corporate world, my initial thought was that there might be a little bit more care within it, which turned out to be naive of me. Disillusioned after the first few months, I left my position and decided to Google an idea that had been mentioned to me in the past, and because of the decriminalised environment in Sydney, Australia, there was the opportunity to find a facility that offered training and to give it a go.
Eva Oh, 2023. Courtesy of Kate Rosewell
Julia: You are Chinese, Burmese, English and Irish, often travelling for work with an international clientele. Tell me about how your identity has informed your ability to understand those from an array of backgrounds.
Eva: My observations – the differences that are discernible due to the diversity behind me – are very helpful; they keep my mind more flexible and open, facilitating me to see subjects without judgement. Since my childhood, this ability has aided me in making connections instantly, which can be a double-edged sword because sometimes subs are not ready for that level of insight into who they are, and that can backfire. It can be hard for me to let go of this awareness entirely, yet people like being around that level of extrospection, so I treat it as an asset. All these experiences provide me with the ability to understand a person who needs to be moved.
Julia: In light of your interactions with a variety of cultures and metropolises, do you feel that the way you interact with a city has changed since you began as a dominatrix?
Eva: There has been a transformation in my interactions with not only cities but the world: my hesitancy has decreased. Being in control of people’s emotional states has helped in the navigation of different spaces, and when coming up against somebody who’s trying to be aggressive, I understand more about how to shift that. I moved to London because there’s not as much need to fear for my existence here as a dominatrix – that’s my number one love for this city. There’s an immense kink community here, and that means the diversity of interest is really wide ranging. I enjoy the variety in London, as it creates the feeling that no one is alone within their niche – keeping me fluid in my interests, as opposed to feeling isolated and stagnant.
Julia: You navigate contrasting spheres – physical and mental landscapes.
Eva: My upbringing, with a very diverse set of cultures and languages in my immediate nuclear family, helped me understand that the boundaries of ‘what is supposed to be’ are very flexible. There are a lot of structural issues that someone in my role comes up against, such as difficulties crossing borders or opening a bank account; I need to think about what I’ll say I do for work. Although these types of barriers exist, internally I don’t have as many obstacles as others might that prevent them from being at peace with themselves. Despite the internet generating increased acceptance of what being a dominatrix entails, when in conversation with people they still find the concept difficult to accept, as they are rejecting their own sexuality, creating stigmas. It’s almost as if the digital space acts as another city, again raising the question of how we navigate puritanism alongside the innate drive to have sexuality as a form in these realms. It’s strange that something so inherent to how we interact in our lives becomes a mechanism for control, because sexuality is such a desired part of who we are.
Julia: You have found community in the vitality of city life, but was it a challenge to tell those close to you about your life as a dominatrix?
Eva: When COVID-19 happened, travelling to see my mother became impracticable for two years. When I was living in Bali, I had a lot of time and wanted to connect with somebody. After getting in contact with an online therapist to chat about work, she started noticing a pattern – my inability to communicate my job to others. The connection that she made was that I was hiding myself from the judgement of my mother; my caring about her opinion made me distort my existence, catering to her. Therefore, my interactions with others were also occurring in the same distorted way. My therapist helped me create a plan to take my parents on holiday with the intention of telling them, but I didn’t do it. I ended up texting them at the end of the trip after they had left.
Julia: How did they react?
Eva: My mother was shocked. Keeping her in my life was important to me, and after admitting the truth there was a sense of unease. Responding to me in our private chat, she texted, ‘Really?’ I replied, ‘Yes, do you have any questions?’ At that moment she didn’t, but about a month later I took my parents on another holiday, and my mother started asking all these questions, such as ‘What is their motivation for interacting with you?’ and ‘What does that interaction look like?’ Describing the relationships, my intent was to go into detail about how they are longer term, more than one-off things. She asked about what it fulfilled in peoples’ lives, beginning to understand that it was almost like a coaching kind of relationship, and was able to recognise the joy that comes from relinquishing control to someone you trust. Within half an hour, she was joking about it. Despite my severely underestimating her, there’s no saying if I would have had the vocabulary to explain the job much earlier than that. It was seven years in.
As a dominatrix, there are many occurrences that can challenge those who aren’t interested in going up against ‘societal norms.’ If my Bible school teacher mother, who is pretty conservative, can be understanding and want to understand, then it’s possible to create environments where others can connect to the narrative as well.
Julia: Do these moments of vulnerability occur predominantly in your private life? Or, despite the customary deception of a dominatrix, can you allow yourself to be vulnerable in your sessions?
Eva: I don’t think that there’s ever a moment when I’m not vulnerable; there is a freedom and comfort associated with that feeling and knowing if it needs space. With regard to asking for help, I don’t hesitate with anyone – sub, dom, parent or friend – but I don’t want to be a burden. That was probably the thing I didn’t indulge in before. Now, I find solace knowing that there is a social unit for me to rely on, as well as a structured way in which to work. As a dominatrix, satisfaction comes from the thrill of human exchange, something that requires a level of openness, but, concerning vulnerability, my biggest lesson has been to not let everybody have mine because some people cannot be responsible with it.
Eva Oh, 2023. Courtesy of Kate Rosewell
Julia: Women in society are often taught to take on submissive roles; it is something that is made to be part of the subconscious, perpetuated by the media. How does the role of a dominatrix interact with this notion?
Eva: I grew up in a family where these societal roles were not imposed. I didn’t take on those roles in terms of what belonged where, or the emotional life that is often integrated with those stereotypes, and existing outside this framework is met with friction within society. I’ve always been outside this structure, but when my behaviour became visible it caused tension; people didn’t want to hear my opinion, and they’re still terrified when a woman has something to say. It seems that this role of dominatrix, this character who simply speaks their mind as a woman, is challenging and enabling, and I think what it provides satisfies me. But I’m just along for the ride too – there is no set purpose to my deliberations except for that which evolves over time.
Julia: You often reference the sup-pression of emotion due to established stereotypes. Do you think everyone has an outlet for their ‘true desires’?
Eva: When existing in groups, societal rules emerge, and the pressure of achieving a certain thing, being a certain way and interacting within a certain framework is present. Whether we are aware of this pressure is another question, and taking the time to see which inclinations fulfil us requires perspective and the right personality. All of us are burdened with the idea of a ‘true self.’ But does everyone have something that isn’t aligned with it? Everyone disagrees to some level with the way that things are supposed to be. But we are more fluid than we think. It’s whether we want to take opportunities to see what life can really feel like and be experienced as, and if people are ready to experience the ultimate truth – though I’m not sure there is one.